The Fish that Ate Aunt Trish

dream 1) - after watching slumdog millionaire...
I am watching an indian mother hold a young baby up. the baby just has a diaper on and is glistening wet. she rolls the baby in a very coarse sea salt- and hands the baby to a sibling and says "here- eat this"- and hands the child a knife and fork. I look over at all the other children, and they have deep dark scars on their faces and bodies, where parts of their flesh has been carved away for food. they all looked very sad.

dream 2)
i was walking along a street and saw into a neighbors back yard and they had THE MOST BEAUTIFUL in ground pool. Unlike any pool i have ever seen! it wrapped around 3 sides of the house- had custom tiles, and marble, and rock formations, and even little fake beaches that led into the pool. It was like heaven. The water was more of a greenish aqua, not like the clear blue most pools are- so it was more natural looking. I wanted to swim in to sooooo badly, so i just went in and swam. It was so warm and just purely fantastic! As i creeped into the water i noticed it was deep in some parts- so i kinda stayed to the side. I was afraid there might be fish in the water. And sure enough- there come come HUGE HUGE fish. like man eating koi.
I am able to swim past it- but somehow my aunt was in the pool with me and the fish eats her up. I see a big lump in it's belly which is my aunt. I pry it's mouth open and pull her out. it was quite terrifying.


Last night's dream.
My brother and i were fighting really badly.we were fighting in thew back seat of my mom's car while she was driving us home. We got home and fought some more. Then my mom and I find out that Mike has decided to start selling drugs. we all fight over it and he leaves. My dad is on his way home from work- and i am desperate to tell him. He comes home and somehow my whole family is there - Aunts, uncles even some of my parents friends and my mom and i explain to them my brother's decision to start selling drugs in the neighbor hood.
Mike said that they were making the drugs themselves- some sort of lsd concoction.
Someone found a mixing container in his room- it was filled with some green gooey stuff. And then someone just happen to know a chemist- so we call her in. She examines the container for several hours and then starts listing the ingredients to the drug. lettuce, beets, ham, and salami.
She said you can get high if you mix these all together correctly. The kids in school called it "Hank" instead of "Crank" since it was made with ham.

Emily

I am not much a 'poetry person'... but this epic song by Joanna Newsom has really blown me away.

"hydrocephalitic listlessness ants mop up-a their brow".... i mean come on! it's so fucking wonderful i can't stand it... i think this song has been on repeat for 2 weeks now!


It is so beautiful to read, let alone listen to her sing.
It's about her sister, who's an astrophysicist.

Here are some of my favorite verses:
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Let us go!
Though we know it's a hopeless endeavor
The ties that bind, they are barbed and spined and hold us close forever
Though there is nothing would help me come to grips with a sky that is gaping and yawning
There is a song I woke with on my lips as you sailed your great ship towards the morning

Come on home, the poppies are all grown knee-deep by now
Blossoms all have fallen, and the pollen ruins the plow
Peonies nod in the breeze and while they wetly bow
With hydrocephalitic listlessness ants mop up-a their brow

And everything with wings is restless, aimless, drunk and dour
The butterflies and birds collide at hot, ungodly hours
And my clay-colored motherlessness rangily reclines
Come on home, now! All my bones are dolorous with vines

Pa pointed out to me, for the hundredth time tonight
The way the ladle leads to a dirt-red bullet of light
Squint skyward and listen
Loving him, we move within his borders
Just asterisms in the stars' set order

We could stand for a century
Staring
With our heads cocked
In the broad daylight at this thing
Joy
Landlocked
In bodies that don't keep
Dumbstruck with the sweetness of being
Until we don't be told
Take this
Eat this

Told
The meteorite is the source of the light
And the meteor's just what we see
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee
And the meteorite's just what causes the light
And the meteor's how it's perceived
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee

Just the GAS lady! Hold the racisim please.

I pull up to get gas today at the Wawa on Delsea Dr.
After I ask for my gas, the lady gas attendant says to me "You know he's not the first black president." (referring to my Obama bumper sticker i'm guessing)

I look at her in disbelief and just say nothing, so she continues, "You know he is not the first black president, He's not black. He's half white. So he's not the first black president" I didn't know what to say, cuz i kinda just really wanted to leave , So she continues, "Abraham Lincoln was the first black president. He was black." So i said "If he was black, he would have been a slave not a president" "Oh no, he hid it. He was tall and had light skin" she replied.

Next came- "And Benjamin Franklin..... (i was waiting for her to say he was black and a president too... but damn it! she didn't!) he screwed around with the servants... so he has a lot of black relatives running around.."

Then she just kept repeating herself so I finally got the hell outta there.

crazy day

Today i bought a NEW scarf! Cuz it be all COLD up in here. and then after lunch i finally found out that i got my RAISE!! i was supposed to find out in November- so i have been waiiitinngggg so looong... AND..... it was just a tad higher than i had expected@@@!!!! WHOOO HOOO!!!!!!! Go me!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND today I got NEW freakin' TIRES put on my car!! Whooo HOOO!

But now i want to call the Vet about my ailing rats, but it's just WAY too QUIET in here, and i don't want everyone to hear that not only do i keep rats as pets, but that i spend way too much money on them when they get the sniffles. ....sad.

it's over

the week i waited so long for is now officially over. matt and kellee are driving back home to Indiana tomorrow morning. it was such a GREAT great great week. i know they are just as sad to leave as we are to see them go. i know they would like to move back to NJ- but the chances are just too slim. when we said goodbye she assured me that they will be back soon... but it just breaks my heart not to have a friend like her live near by.

we all finally got to exchange xmass gifts with our friends last night. it was so fun. kellee got me the coolest gift box from Lush. awesome stuff.

new years was fun too. i am looking forward to 2009. as i am sure most of us are. i am looking forward to learning Flash soon for my job. looking forward to working on my new house, and can't WAIT for summer to come so we can open the POOL. i am looking forward to more Obama on the TV.

i am also looking forward to getting a kick ass elliptical machine for the basement so i can lose some damn weight. I told my husband- "if you buy me a new elliptical machine, i will promise you a skinny wife" he didn't buy it. So i have to save up for it myself. So i hope in another 3-4 months to have the cash to buy one. I refuse to get a cheap piece of shit- because i know i won't enjoy it, thus won't use it. i just wish i could get on one NOW so i could be thinner by May.

Meh

As a follow up to my last post- for what ever reason (it just must be the hormones..) I am feeling so much better about the decision not to have kids. Sure this could change, but I am feeling good about it for once.

my friend's dog died yesterday, so i am sad.
and my eyes are burning since i have returned to work.
pooty.

the tattoo i want on my face

so lately i have been feeling the urge to reproduce. this is an issue i have struggled with for about the past 2 years now. i got married at 25 and planned to have a baby when i was 27-28. but unfortunately i became chronically ill at 26. so getting back to health was my main concern.

Now i am somewhat healthy again... and those feelings of baby-making have returned. But the huge sucky part is that i am very very on the fence about it. At 35 I am feeling the extreme urgency to just make up my damn mind. I want the baby- but am terrified about the idea for many reasons. one being that is it such a permanent decision- there is no turn around's- no do-overs...

i love tattoos and i won't get one for this exact reason. and a friend of mine once related having a child as to having a tattoo on your face.


I asked my husband this weekend if he wanted to have a baby. he said- "Sure it would be nice- but do we really need one? No. we don't need one. We can both have fulfilling lives without a child"

I think it's just hard for me because most of my piers have children. They are "families".

Plus this week i have been watching the 'Discovery Health" channel- and it's all about birthin' babies. I can't escape it.