i love my cat

He was licking my hair- and it was OH SO funny-

my gills and feet have got no rhythm

today i dyed my hair.
i took a shower and a bath.
i put 7 earrings in my ears.
i took a very long hard nap.
i had a lonely dinner, fit for an asshole.
cleaned my closet, did dishes and did one measly load of laundry.

i feel like a total load. i am so tired. even after all that i slept.
i really should clean up some more and do more laundry.
i have no clothes.

my Olive

crafty disaster

well, it's not like how i had imagined it in my head...

i hope it will look better on my door? or in the trash?

nasty ass dream

this morning i dreamt that we bought a new house. but it was a super old house, in the middle of an urban area. very rickety and with LOTS of character. very beautiful. already full of stuff.
i was checking out all the rooms. and at the end of the day there was a part being thrown there by the precious owners. i was exited they seemed like a very cool and eclectic group of people. .. artists musicians.. and the kept talking about one guy, (can't remember his name) who was not there.
then i would out he was dead. then i found out he died IN THE HOUSE. actually in the back yard. and that it was the most HORRIFIC death.
i started to ask- and then said no- i don't want to know.
so we start the party. lots of good food.
i notice a fresh patch of dirt in the back yard too. obviously the guy was now buried in my newly purchased back yard!
James was there with me and we were both very upset, nervous and not knowing what to expect.
one of the guests said, 'Monica- you have to drink with us', he hands me a shot glass that looks like it was half chicken broth and half olive oil and sprinkles something else in.
I said to james- what if we are drinking the dead guy? and he looks at me knowing what i'm thinking. 'yes, that we are all going to eat the flesh of the dead and them all become flesh eating zombies.'
i get scared and i only drink half the shot.

sure enough- the party was all about trying to raise the dead and become undead zombies.
the dead guy awakens and has this horrible injury where half his shoulder and upper torso are cut apart. I'm still trying to figure out how he died.
i met him and tried and be nice, not to upset him or let on how scared i am.
i am terrified out of my mind, and am trying to escape my own nightmare.
the end.

any thoughts?

Bleh.

bleh.

in my ears and head

With your hand over your heart

and your Boy Scout face

you win a new merit badge

for a weakness for faith
for a love of strangers
for a love of danger

that most people don't feel

because they don't really feel.

They're like tables and chairs, they're like forks and knives

they're like planes and trains - hear 'em bump in the night

and their souls live all alone
they just wash up on the bank

and there their souls are beautiful
but finally start to stink.
Their souls aren't talking
and there are no choirs singing.
It's just the pull of the ocean
not even freedom is ringing.

It's just a river through Memphis

it's just a song by Led Zeppelin

You 'gotta whole lotta love'

They want the sound of heaven and that was all you could give them.

Yeah, that's all you could give them

for people wouldn't be caught dead

to be seen really living.

Grace is always forgotten but never forgiven

And I know all of this

because I'm just like them

I'm like some dirty old spy outside the Garden of Eden

They say that fear is a gift, well it kept me breathing

You thought I was busy?

Well I was just busy running

Running from your beauty

See some run from the devil

Some from their own history

Some run from their hopes and some run to the sea

Stupid, don't you agree?

Grace is always forgotten but it's never forgiven.

---------------------------Mark Eitzel (song's about Jeff Buckley)

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. - Woody Allen

I'm FUCKD.

-------------------------------------------------

5. Avoid Alcohol

Alcohol may make you drowsy, and therefore, fall asleep faster. But, it can affect your quality of sleep and cause awakening during the night. There is also some evidence that long-term alcohol consumption just before bedtime reduces its sleep-inducing effect and increases the likelihood of disrupted sleep during the night.

6. Avoid Caffeine

The stimulant effect of caffeine can affect your sleep for many hours after it is consumed. If you have panic disorder, you doctor may have advised you to remove or reduce caffeine from your diet because it has been implicated in inducing panic attacks in a number of studies.

--------------------------------------------------------

i'm awake now.... so i might as well just write about this...

tonight in session i was rambling... kinda saying how everything has been going well. yadda yadda yadda... (I haven't seen him for a month so we were kinda just catching up with each other) then he asks "how's your sleep been?"

and i looked at him and smiled, thinking it was funny he asked, because last night was HORRIBLE.

i woke up with a tummy ache, was SUPER thirsty and went down stairs for some water and then felt terribly ill, like couldn't decide whether i was gonna barf or shit, i broke out in a cold cold CLAMMY sweat. i laid down on the bathroom floor and wanted to barf but i couldn't. I wanted to call 911- but was just so weak and was fading out.. then i remembered this same thing happened just a few months ago-I thought i was gonna die. so I laid on the cold bathroom floor last night- and i just talked myself though it. "monica, you're not going to pass out- you're gonna be fine." i barfed a little bit in the waste basket- and then started to feel better. then i just went back to bed.
the doctor looked at me and smiled.

he got out of his chair, pulled a huge book from the shelf, and opened to a page and read exactly what i had experienced back to me.
i was having panic attacks. not food poisoning.. or an ulcer... you fucking fool monica.

so i looked at him, so relived that he solved this huge mystery to me. glad that i did not have some sort of weird poisoning, or an ulcer - or what ever.

but then absolutely terrified that i was "feeling fine" during the day- and yet i was awakened last night by this awful, uncontrollable psychosomatic mind fuck.

so i look online to see what i can do about this- and all i get is : no alcohol no caffeine!!!! that's half my fuckin diet! (just kidding) well the caffeine is.

ok... i think i just need some etsy now to calm me down....

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

True dat!

20 more half interesting facts for LouLou

i'm not sure what to write......
i said no fluff......

crap..
........................................................

81. i've been estranged from my dad's side of the family for the past 3 years. my dad and his little brother fought over my grandparents going into "the old person's home' and it got real nasty, so my family has never heard from them since. it's been 3 years and I really really really miss them. my aunt was super cool, and their 3 daughters are my only 1st cousins.

82. at my 15 year HS reunion one of the popular football jocks came up to me drunk and asked how i was doing, and asked if i was still doing art. I said i was, and he went on to tell me what a great artist i was, and how glad he was that i was still doing it. He wanted me to know that he drives a doughnut truck for a living and apologised for being an asshole in high school. it was completely shocking, yet very satisfying!

83. i saw Sting in concert for the 1st time on March 13 2003... all by myself (No one else would pay $230). i was 15th row, but made my way UP TO THE STAGE and stayed there the whole night and cried my eyes out. it was worth every cent.

84. i visited my aunt in Tijuana for 3 weeks in 1990. it was the most amazing trip of my life.
i was homesick, and didn't sleep well, but i still miss that town to this day.

85. I had Hamsters when i was in grade school and high school and my 2nd year of college (1993) I bought my first baby girl rat. Her name was La Keesha. i loved her to death and so i bought her a friend named Le Kiwi.

86. My 3rd rat's name was Sa Susu. All my girl rats died of heinous breast tumors, so after her I switched to boys.

87. the worst moment of my adult life was the night i was passing a kidney stone in the emergency room and they did not know what was wrong with me. they did all kinds of evil things to me in there-it was a living nightmare.

88. Even though I am not a parent, I firmly believe that children should not be hit in any way.

89. My brother is an electrical engineer, and he repairs the engines on US Naval battle ships all over the world.

90. i need to lose about 50 pounds. I joined a gym last year and gained 8 more.

91. My husband is Filipino. I said if we ever have kids they will be Polipinos.

92. the girl name i had picked out if i ever had a baby was Nola Anne. just recently I found out that Nola is short for "urinola" which is what they call portable toilets or bedpans in the Philippines. my mother-in-law exclaimed, "I can't call my grand-child, Toilet".

93. i spend most of my time ion my art room, either sewing or on the internet. I should be painting.

94. my mom and i have a long history of us "not getting along". the past 2 years have been a bit better... but it's always been bad between us. i don't particularly like her, and she's just a nasty bitch to me.

95. i love snow. i love everything about snow. shoveling it, walking in it, playing in it, driving in it.

96. my favorite scents are : pear, melon, tea rose, frankincense and peony.

97. i love roses and love to grow them.

98. i used to volunteer at the animal shelter, and my husband currently volunteers to help teach and mentor mentally handicapped young adults.

99. My favorite painters are: (in no certain order)

1. Marlene Dumas
2. Chuck Close
3. Eric Fischel
4. Richard Diebenkorn
5. Janet Fish
6. Jasper Johns
7. Andrew Wyeth
8. Gerhard Richter
9. Philip Pearlstein
10. Lucian Freud

These artists have in some way lifted my heart, and inspired me to continue as a painter.

100. my first website was called: monicasfun.com. My friend owned an ISP company back in 1996 and i called him up and registered the name with him and he gave me some webspace for free. I posted pictures, had a webcam, and i didn't "blog" i "ranted"..ahha. it was crazy fun and the site lasted about 4 years when I took it down in 2000. woot.

heh heh

i guess we're all going to HELL then!

blah

i am in a sour mood. i think i am crashing from the past 3 stressful days. I am miserable and down on myself. i am cranky and don't feel like anything. i am pissy and i don't know what it will take to make me happy. (well yes... i do know.. but it's not gonna happen)
maybe that's why i am so damn sad?
i try and do certain things that i think will bring happiness... but nothing makes it right.

ok, sometimes i love my life..

Saturday it POURED ALL DAY...
so i got all my quilting stuffs together [finally] and i SEWED all damn day and night! it was great!
(i did realize what a piece of shit my sewing machine has become and now a new one will be on my list of things to buy when we sell the house)

then today the weather could not have been even more perfect- so i picked up a small novel i've been meaning to crack open and I READ all damn day outside ... BY my pool... and IN my pool!!
laying on a raft... in the sun.. reading..... does not get better than that... <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
(well i'm kinda sun burnt now, but that's ok... it was worth it!)

sometimes i hate my life..

there is this girl at work that SCREAMS when she sneezes. She sits RIGHT behind me. She says if she DOESN'T scream, she will fart when she sneezes.

She just screamed/sneezed 3 fucking TIMES in a row and i feel i am deaf now.

why why why.........???

80 things about me

in homage to the wonderful and beautiful Mo and LouLou:

1. I LOVE animals especially cats and all rodents.
   
2. i adore Woody Allen
   
3. i love to read, and i also horde books.
   
4. My first concert ever was Human Rights Now! Tour in 1988. With Bruce Springsteen, Sting, Peter Gabriel, Tracy Chapman, and Youssou N'Dour.
   
5. My second concert was 1989 Sugarcubes/P.I.L./New Order .....best.show.evarr.
   
6. My job pays me good money to work in my favorite programs all day: Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign.
7. I'm very adept at cyber-slacking!
   
8. I make 3D renders of waste water chemical dosing equipment
   
9. In my past jobs I have designed bubble gum wrappers, bathroom hooks, shower caddy labels, soft toilet seat covers and a catalog of pet coffins and head stones.
   
10. I'm addicted to shoe shopping.
    
11. i have 3 cats and 2 rats
    
12. I love to swim and i love the beach
    
13. I pierced my own nose when I was 18. It was fun!! didn't hurt! i still wear it sometimes.
    
14. I love to quilt. My dream is to some day win a competition, or to get into a traveling show.
    
15. I am a better crocheter than a knitter. I kinda suck at both.
    
16. I horde vintage yarn and fabric. HORDE.
    
17. i like to cut the grass. I love to garden. i tend to a small jungle of house plants. yes, i talk to my plants.
18. I wear black on the outside, beacause black is how I feel on the inside.
    
19. i mostly listen to new wave/dark wave and alternative music. I also indulge in club/house/dance music and prog rock.
    
20. i can't spell
21. At a concert in Philly, I got called up on stage by Jonatha Brooke because she liked my dress.
    
22. i have trouble with 'left' and 'right'
    
23. I am right handed and left-brained.
    
24. i like snakes, but I HATE HATE HATE spiders
    
25. I love my job
    
26. I have poor self image and have pretty much always hated myself (I'm working on that)
    
27. I'm not super into cell phones, but I am way addicted to the internet. I mean interweb…
    
28. I adore perfume and sniffy-smelly things
    
29. i had a pen-pal when i was 12. we wrote to each other obsessively for about 10 years. she
    was in my wedding. she has now moved from Detroit to Philadelphia so we she each other often.
    
30. I am NOT a morning person. my mom always said I was a night owl because I was born at 2am. But in reality I had insomnia due to anxiety.
    
31. i love flavored coffee. I drink Chocolate Cherry and Sticky Toffee Buns mostly…
    
32. I love pumpkin and coconut anything. except for soup... no soup…
    
33. my political view are pretty much very liberal..
    
34. I like to make scrapbooks and do collage/decoupage
35. I have had chronic kidney stones since 1996
    
36. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 2001
    
37. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2003
    
38. I was bed ridden for about 3 months. Was out of work for about 2 years.
    
39. I recovered in 2005 and went back to work full time.
    
40. I am obsessed with my nails and feet. ...mostly my feet.
    
41. I love to dye my own hair. I have had white, orange, 10 different shades of magenta and purple.
    
42. i had braces when i was 12
43. I had Mono when i was 16
    
44. I still have scars on my face from getting hit dead in the eye with a baseball bat when I was 6 years old. (the 'big kids' would not let me play with them, so they said i could be "catcher")
    
45. i have suffered from insomnia for most of my life until someone told me that it was not normal to not sleep.
    
46. I'm quite short- at 5' 1"
    
47. I have one younger brother, whom I love very much, but don't understand him at all.
    
48. my father is a recovering alcoholic (does that explain a lot?)
    
49. my dad served in the Navy for 26 years. He is a retired Captain.
    
50. my mom was a high school math teacher and quit her job when i was born
    
51. my parents met at an all Polish College in Pennsylvania
    
52. I was named after an orphan my dad would visit with through a program at the school
    
53. My mother was on the star Polish dancing troop and danced at the White House and Carnegie Hall.
    
54. My dad grew up in Jersey City, NJ and my mom grew up in Easton, PA.
    
55. My parents were not allowed to date anyone who as not Polish.
    
56. i started private art lessons when i was 9.
    
57. I tried piano, softball, basketball and gymnastics. Nothing really stuck w/ me except for art.
    
58. I always loved school and was always made honors list/national honor society crap.
    
59. In high school i was in the Bowling Club, Literary Magazine and Stage Crew.
    
60. I designed the play sets for all 4 years of high school, and almost considered going to college for it.
    
61. I took college courses in high school at Moore college of art and Savannah college of art and design.
    
62. I won a national painting competition and got accepted into Savannah college of Art and Design early, but decided to finish out my last year of high school.
    
63. I sold 2 paintings during my senior thesis show. One was to an X-ray astronomer at Rutgers University.
    
64. My roommate's name in college was Monica.
    
65. My last year of college i learned how to turn on a computer, and was gainfully employed as a graphic designer before i even graduated.
    
66. My picture made the local paper when I graduated Kindergarten, High school and College.
    
67. I started my own business and worked from home for 5 years doing print and web design.
    
68. One of my soft toilet seat designs was sold in Target stores nationally. Many seats that i worked on were sold in K-mart.
    
69. I met my best friend in the world at a yard sale.
    
70. my husband and I went to the same grade school, high school and college.
    
71. my husband and I were both born in the same week, same year. I am 4 days older.
    
72. I did not have a middle name. So I took my maiden name as my middle name when I got married.
    
73. I had a paper rout for about 3 years when I was in grade school.
    
74. one of my favorite jobs ever was my first job in high school at the local library. I was "the-book-putter-awayer"
    
75. i bought my own house and my own car when i was 25.
    
76. my favorite foods are tofu, jalapeno poppers and lobster.
    
77. my 2nd favorite foods are snow crab legs, hummus and cheese fries.
    
78. I love beer. especially wheat beers, hefeweizen beers and lagers. Yum!!!
    
79. I stopped eating all meat (except for fish) when I was 15.
    
80. I went back to eating chicken when I was 22.