I'm FUCKD.

-------------------------------------------------

5. Avoid Alcohol

Alcohol may make you drowsy, and therefore, fall asleep faster. But, it can affect your quality of sleep and cause awakening during the night. There is also some evidence that long-term alcohol consumption just before bedtime reduces its sleep-inducing effect and increases the likelihood of disrupted sleep during the night.

6. Avoid Caffeine

The stimulant effect of caffeine can affect your sleep for many hours after it is consumed. If you have panic disorder, you doctor may have advised you to remove or reduce caffeine from your diet because it has been implicated in inducing panic attacks in a number of studies.

--------------------------------------------------------

i'm awake now.... so i might as well just write about this...

tonight in session i was rambling... kinda saying how everything has been going well. yadda yadda yadda... (I haven't seen him for a month so we were kinda just catching up with each other) then he asks "how's your sleep been?"

and i looked at him and smiled, thinking it was funny he asked, because last night was HORRIBLE.

i woke up with a tummy ache, was SUPER thirsty and went down stairs for some water and then felt terribly ill, like couldn't decide whether i was gonna barf or shit, i broke out in a cold cold CLAMMY sweat. i laid down on the bathroom floor and wanted to barf but i couldn't. I wanted to call 911- but was just so weak and was fading out.. then i remembered this same thing happened just a few months ago-I thought i was gonna die. so I laid on the cold bathroom floor last night- and i just talked myself though it. "monica, you're not going to pass out- you're gonna be fine." i barfed a little bit in the waste basket- and then started to feel better. then i just went back to bed.
the doctor looked at me and smiled.

he got out of his chair, pulled a huge book from the shelf, and opened to a page and read exactly what i had experienced back to me.
i was having panic attacks. not food poisoning.. or an ulcer... you fucking fool monica.

so i looked at him, so relived that he solved this huge mystery to me. glad that i did not have some sort of weird poisoning, or an ulcer - or what ever.

but then absolutely terrified that i was "feeling fine" during the day- and yet i was awakened last night by this awful, uncontrollable psychosomatic mind fuck.

so i look online to see what i can do about this- and all i get is : no alcohol no caffeine!!!! that's half my fuckin diet! (just kidding) well the caffeine is.

ok... i think i just need some etsy now to calm me down....