Meh

As a follow up to my last post- for what ever reason (it just must be the hormones..) I am feeling so much better about the decision not to have kids. Sure this could change, but I am feeling good about it for once.

my friend's dog died yesterday, so i am sad.
and my eyes are burning since i have returned to work.
pooty.

the tattoo i want on my face

so lately i have been feeling the urge to reproduce. this is an issue i have struggled with for about the past 2 years now. i got married at 25 and planned to have a baby when i was 27-28. but unfortunately i became chronically ill at 26. so getting back to health was my main concern.

Now i am somewhat healthy again... and those feelings of baby-making have returned. But the huge sucky part is that i am very very on the fence about it. At 35 I am feeling the extreme urgency to just make up my damn mind. I want the baby- but am terrified about the idea for many reasons. one being that is it such a permanent decision- there is no turn around's- no do-overs...

i love tattoos and i won't get one for this exact reason. and a friend of mine once related having a child as to having a tattoo on your face.


I asked my husband this weekend if he wanted to have a baby. he said- "Sure it would be nice- but do we really need one? No. we don't need one. We can both have fulfilling lives without a child"

I think it's just hard for me because most of my piers have children. They are "families".

Plus this week i have been watching the 'Discovery Health" channel- and it's all about birthin' babies. I can't escape it.

i'm.... so...... gawf.

everything HURTS. i want to go home. i am having the mother of all periods, and i swear i feel some kidney stones pushing around in there somewhere too. **cries**
I want to THROTTLE whomever designed this damn 8 page brochure i am working on. i have to re-brand this- and the text boxes are all fucked up. i just want to cry.
5pm- I am outta here like my vagina is on fire. oh wait....

dose per my unit

I love my new cubicle in the office.
It's peaceful. it's generally quiet.. and when they are talking- it's about converting milliwatts per square centimeter for ultra violet light dosing and not about stealing chickens off the side of the road because a dozen eggs cost too much.

awesome dream

i dreamt that me and this other lady i work with named Monica were both pregnant. She was much further along than i was. She was ready to give birth and i was about 4-5 months along.
We were at a house and she was getting ready to go to the hospital and i was helping her. After she left i wanted to take a shower. I was in the shower and started to squat down because i didn't feel right. I felt like it was time to give birth. my belly was not that big though.. i squatted and pushed, and held my hands between my legs to catch the baby. The baby came out fine and i looked down at it. It was about 6 inches long and all black. Curled up in my hand it looked like something out of the 'aliens' movie. it was not breathing so i poked it w/ my finger. nothing.
I showed it to Monica and we confirmed it was dead.

Monica's baby on the other hand was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL... Gorgeous baby boy. i loved him and played with him all day. But then they gave him a HORRIBLE name- and i was so pissed at them- "No! you can't name him that! it's terrible!" with i could remember that name now!

happy thursday.

tonight- go to macy's - buy dress
tomorrow- go to office "holiday" party. wear dress.
Saturday - go to Hassan's birthday party. prolly wear same dress.
Sunday is BUST. matt & kellee will be there!!!!!!! Saaawweet.

Philly Rats Rule!!!

Read up on some local rat-bonding!!

After years and years of saying i need to do it- i did it!
I re-designed my damn personal web page. Whoo Hoo!!!!!
I think it has been about 7 years. how sad.
I don't have time to do the html- so i made my design in ps then handed it all over to the hubby to make it into a reality. he whipped it up in like 5 minutes- i looked at it - it looked just awesome.
very girly- but awesome.

Then I started on my resume. what a mess. Accomplishments..- not tasks... wtf?
I think i can come up w/ like 1-2 accomplishments per employer.. i just suck at writing these things. i'm like 'i dunno... i design shit. it gets printed or published..' no big whoop.
All of this because the facility i work at is going down the tubes, so i need to secure employment elsewhere. fast. Hopefully i can stay within the company network, but i'll need a resume and an online portfolio to do so. I haven't looked for a job in fiveever, so i am stressing. big time. I am used to jobs just falling in my lap. crying has been an option.
Tuesday i have a meeting with HR./ She said she will review my resume for me. I hope she can work some miracles for me. Tonight James was trying to tell me NOT to worry. because i already have some leads... but i still am..

my life has kinda sucked for most of November and now all of December.

the only things that are really good now:
1.) i have a wonderful loving husband
2.) i get to sew almost every night on the most beautiful sewing machine
3.) and my co-worker says about 5 x's a day "swollen labia" to make me laugh.