the tattoo i want on my face

so lately i have been feeling the urge to reproduce. this is an issue i have struggled with for about the past 2 years now. i got married at 25 and planned to have a baby when i was 27-28. but unfortunately i became chronically ill at 26. so getting back to health was my main concern.

Now i am somewhat healthy again... and those feelings of baby-making have returned. But the huge sucky part is that i am very very on the fence about it. At 35 I am feeling the extreme urgency to just make up my damn mind. I want the baby- but am terrified about the idea for many reasons. one being that is it such a permanent decision- there is no turn around's- no do-overs...

i love tattoos and i won't get one for this exact reason. and a friend of mine once related having a child as to having a tattoo on your face.


I asked my husband this weekend if he wanted to have a baby. he said- "Sure it would be nice- but do we really need one? No. we don't need one. We can both have fulfilling lives without a child"

I think it's just hard for me because most of my piers have children. They are "families".

Plus this week i have been watching the 'Discovery Health" channel- and it's all about birthin' babies. I can't escape it.

great baby dreams

i dreamt I was taking bare of baby Ein. We were at my parent's house and i was watching her. But in the dream she belonged my aunt carol and uncle mark. All of a sudden her face became contorted and almost frozen with these small, red, pimple-like bumps all over her face. She became limp and stiff. I panicked and told my aunt I think she must be allergic to the peanuts I was feeding her. I rushed her to the hospital, and had a hard time getting her into the ER to see a doctor. I was freaking out and crying. Finally a doctor saw her, and I was sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear what was wrong with her. While i was waiting, I looked over my shoulder and saw a gray cat on the table. It was stretched across the table and it's 4 paws were clamped down and a doctor had a saw and was sawing it in half. It's tongue was nailed down to the table so it couldn't scream. I asked what the hell that going on with the cat and they said they needed to cut out the cats organs.